being authentic.


hi guys!

it's been way too long since I got on here and posted. I should be finishing up my huge senior research paper that's due tomorrow, but something popped into my head and I got the urge to write.

authenticity.

in middle school, I struggled with identity. In high school, I struggled with identity. In college, I struggle with identity.

who am I? am I good enough? why don't I have a huge friend group? am I too weird?

these are just some of the questions that plagued my mind and still do.

in middle school, I thought that being skinny and having perfect teeth would make people like me. in high school, i thought that being the "fun" party girl would make everyone like me. in the first year of college, i thought i had to be the preppy, republican girl to make people like me.

but, there is one common theme in all these cases. I never felt my worth and people have seen right through these identities I created. to this very day, I still don't understand my purpose. it's one of those things I consistently pray about and try to understand. but everyday, I struggle. who am I? who does God see me as? who do my friends + family see me as?

i know that people don't look at me and see a positive girl who is radiating with kindness. that's the girl i so desperately want to be. instead, people see a passive aggressive girl with some serious walls built up. i know that some of the greatest people/friends in my life have walked out due to me being a god awful friend. i consistently blame it on the things that have happened me into the past. but eventually, i have to move on. i have to be more than the girl who has been badly burned. i want to move on. but instead of attempting to accept the things that have happened, i hide (behind a computer and in real life) and try to portray an image of a girl who has it all together.

the point of this post, however, is for me to discuss that i haven't felt good enough to blog lately. i can't compare and keep up to the huge fashion blogs. i want my blog to be more than that. i want to be true to myself on my blog and social media. i want it to be about my daily life, things i adore, my struggles, and my wins. my faith is what drove me to being so active on social media and i want to go back to that. i know that being authentic to myself is what makes people like me- but i struggle to peel back the layers and let people see the real me. i use sarcasm and sassiness to cover up the parts of me i struggle to love. i want to work on these issues in order to move forward with my life and become the person i was meant to be.

i want myself to shine through my words and pictures. i don't want to take pictures for the sole purpose of receiving likes. i love creative photography and writing. i am consistently hiding the best and creative parts of myself by trying to gain likes on instagram. i want to be authentic on all forms of social media.

i know this was post was all over the place but i hope it explains my absence of posts and my lack of connecting with my followers.

-heaven.





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