Finding my voice post-college

Flash back to a year ago, I was fresh out of college and started an internship two days after graduation that eventually turned into a full time job. I thought that I had it figured out. I was able to announce my newfound adulthood on Facebook and was met with cheers and loads of congratulatory comments.

I never knew what I wanted to do after college.  Getting through college was the challenge I saw. I always have had a couple passions - social media, fashion, and writing. But how do you take these skills and turn them into a job? I tried to be practical. I love helping people and I’m outgoing. I checked off those two boxes on my invisible “where do I go?” checklist. This met me with a puzzling mosh of interests that I struggled to connect together. 

Where do these passions take me? What is my purpose in life?

I’ve developed something called post-college depression, which is what it sounds like. It’s not an official diagnosis from a therapist (I’ve got that part covered...) Post-college depression is scary and not many people talk to you about this struggle while you’re drowning in homework and organizations thinking there is a light at the end of the tunnel. For some, a beautiful light shines and devours you. For others, the faint speck of light goes dark. 

Things have gone dark for me. Some days I think I know what I want in my life - a steady career getting to create something, a nice house, lots of dogs and everything in between. But how does one get to this point? 
Call me a typical millennial, but everything has been written in stone for me up until this season of my life. Finish high school, go to college and then get a degree. 

But now, I wake up and feel like I’m not good enough and I am not doing enough. I don’t know the next step. Women younger than me are creating businesses and solving world peace while balancing families and mental health. Others are motivational speakers, published writers and have hundreds of thousand of subscribers on their perfectly curated YouTube. I feel like I fall short and that working an entry-level position at an insurance company isn’t even chipping away at everything I dream of accomplishing. I want to write a book, I want to inspire people, I want to create amazing content and most importantly - I want to stop feeling so negative about everything. 

I’m not writing this because I have the answer. Oh, I wish I did. I’ve thought that learning was the key to success and worthiness. For the past year, I’ve attempted to further my skills in hope that would open up doors. I’ve learned what the HECK Google Analytics is then gotten certified. I’ve devoured and taken every social media course possible. I have taught myself how to use SEO to my advantage. I taught myself how to implement advertisements and how to advertise. I’ve taken way too many crash courses on Adobe Creative Suite. I’ve even taken courses on HTML and coding - just for the heck of it. All of these certifications and courses have taught me more than I could ever imagine, but they haven’t taught me to find my voice and purpose. They haven’t even given me an opportunity to practice my knowledge. I pin motivational quotes all day long about being bold, a free spirit and creative but none of these quotes teach me anything. Sure, they make me feel good and warm for a few seconds. But the fuzziness doesn’t last long enough to replace the emptiness and worthlessness that I feel.

This isn’t just a splash of words mixed in with motivation quotes that’s perfectly polished to maximize views and shares. I’m not writing this to show a pretty picture of an outfit. I don’t have a happy ending yet. This is real life. Every day I wake up and give myself a pep talk. I tell myself that all seasons are temporary and it’s up to me to wake up and make the best of each day. I know that one day I will look back at this season and feel peace, but for now, I am searching to find an inkling of peace and acceptance within this rocky journey.